Watch as Dave mistrusts anyone who wasn't ... RAISED IN OR NEAR MORRIS COUNTY, NJ!

Play a game with Dave's wandering eye ... IS HE LOOKING AT YOU OR NOT???  WHO KNOWS!!!!

Watch lots of television and movies on Dave's ... 20 INCH TV THAT HE BOUGHT AT A KMART IN 1998!!!!

Internet access at the internet cafe two blocks away ... BECAUSE DAVE'S COMPUTER BROKE IN JANUARY!!!!

Have fun telling Dave to stand up straight ... HE CAN'T!!!!!

Listen to Dave's viewpoints on life ... IN PERSON!!!!

Squirm as Dave tells you ... WHY HE ISN'T AN ALCOHOLIC ANYMORE!!!!

Don't bring your pills ... DAVE WILL EAT THEM!!!!

Casey, you can't enter this contest ... DAVE IS PHYSICALLY AFRAID OF YOU!!!!

Enjoy take out food ... FOR EVERY SINGLE MEAL!!!!

Hear Dave complain about ... HIS FAIRLY EASY AND WELL PAYING JOB!!!!

Walk more than a block with Dave and hear about ... HIS DEVELOPING RASH!!!

Bonus points if you can decipher this email from Gary from 2004: