“Feelings”

Hi group, my name is Rick and I’m a REAL alcoholic. Tina, I know you are going through a difficult period with your daughter, but I really think you need to talk to your sponsor about this stuff. Not for nothing, but I am here for the solution – not to listen to people whine about their daughter’s losing battle with cancer.  Anyway, I wanted to share about…Hey Mike, why do you have to get up and use the bathroom every time I share…Asshole. I’m sorry group, where was I…oh yea… I wanted to change the subject a bit and talk about feelings.

My feelings have been all over the friggin map lately. I’ll feel real good one minute and then I’ll feel all shitty the next. It’s not like I’m new in recovery, I’ve got quite a few 24’s, but I’m still all up and down. I’m pretty sure I know the reason why I’m going through this and I know it’s worth it - I guess I just have to hang in there.

God has recently placed someone in my life. She just moved down here from Havre De Grace, Maryland and has about five weeks clean but I think she has like a year sober. I haven’t felt so sure about something in my whole life, this is the real thing. Karen is a hostess at my job and we have spent nearly every minute together since Thursday. Yes sir, the shifts at Applebee’s are much better now that I have Karen to stare at, especially when she is bending over to grab a kid’s menu, if you catch my drift.  

I’ve had to temporarily sponsor Karen ever since her sponsor fired her because she was seeing me. I hate these Dr. Wilson wannabees that think they know it all. Tell me where it says in the book that I am not allowed to have sex with somebody just because they are new in recovery? Anyway it’s more than that. I think I have real feelings for her and I know she feels the same way about me, according to the diary she left in her purse. Things are still going awesome with Karen, but our relationship has made me look at some of my shit.

I asked Karen to go ahead and share her 5^th step with me last night. She was like “I haven’t done the first four” and I said, “yes you did, you went to treatment for 28 days didn’t you?” I wanted to help her become free of this disease. I asked her to list all of the bad things she had done, especially her sexual encounters. I told her that this is how the book suggests we do it and that she will feel like a load has been lifted when she finishes.

Well, be careful what you pray for. I have been all in my head since I heard her fifth step. I mean, she has slept with over 70 different guys. But that’s not what bothers me, I’ve got quite a few notches in the old belt myself, if you know what I mean. I guess what bothered me the most was when she would visit her mom at the hospice center and steal her painkillers, replacing them with Tylenol. Karen said she can still hear her mom in heaven, crying in pain and waiting for her morphine to kick in. I know this was her disease that did these things but man did it screw with my head. I think this is the main reason that I have been up and down lately. I need to work the steps on this situation and maybe talk to my sponsor.

Well, they always say “if you let an alcoholic talk long enough he will give you the solution.” I guess I know what I need to do. That’s it for me, thanks for letting me share.