Recovery Humor At It's Darkest

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Corky Chip Challenge: Sara

JRPG fans! Knob reviews Final Fantasy III

Chapter 6: Why it doesn’t work

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our crap (oops, I mean path). Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not buy into our fallacious program. Usually men and women who know a few things about the sciences, rational thinking and have some common sense. There are such unfortunates; they are not at fault, they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands self delusion and adherence to erroneous ideas. Their chances are less than average. There are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many do recover since they have no where else to go.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened and what we are like now. If you have decided you want to be like us and are willing to go to any absurd length to attain it, then you are willing to take certain steps. At some of these we balked and said “This is dumb, it obviously won’t work”. With all the earnestness at our command we beg of you to quit questioning us and take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth. Some of us tried to hold on to our old ideas but we had to discard them because they do not fit with the program. We had to let go absolutely.

Remember we are dealing with alcohol, a liquid substance which sits on a shelf or in someone’s fridge. Unless we drink it, it has no power whatsoever. But there is one who has all power, that one is God and he or she will prevent you from drinking it. Half measures availed us nothing, we stood at the turning point we asked his protection and care with complete abandon.

Here are the steps we strongly suggest as a program of recovery.

We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and it can attack us at any time – that our lives are unmanageable (that means everyone).
Came to believe a power (whatever the heck you want) can prevent us from drinking and restore our sanity.
Made the decision to turn our will and lives to this power which was to our liking.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves which has nothing to do with drinking alcohol.
Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being why we screwed up and use “alcoholism” as an excuse.
Were entirely ready to have God remove our own screw-ups and make us grow halos over our heads.
Humbly asked him to remove our screw-ups which we caused in the first place.
Made a list of people we harmed in any way shape or form and became willing to fix the enormous damage that we caused due to our own screw-ups.
Called, emailed or instant messaged these people and made our apology.
Continued to see ourselves as screw-ups and alcoholics and this became our
identity.
Sought through prayer and meditation to make us chill out...
Having had a massive identity shift as the result of these steps, we carried this message to other alcoholics and practiced these principles everywhere we go.

Many of us exclaimed “Sounds pretty tough but I am willing to try anything at this point, do not be discouraged. Our success rate with this method is astronomical (about 5 or 10%). Remember we are definitely not saints (especially not Bill) we just believe in things which are incorrect. Just remember to keep that cotton in your mouth!

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic and our personal screw-ups before and after made 3 things very clear:

A- That we are alcoholics always will be and cannot make rational decisions.
B -That no human power could change our mind about this.
C- That even God couldn’t change our minds about this either.

Yours Truly,

Dave S.

What People Are Saying About LuvDrunk.Org

Brilliant. An incisive critique of some of the more surreal, comic and cultish aspects of 12-step "recovery."

hkahar

I'm a dyed in the wool, straight-up alky, sober and active in AA 38 years , and I gotta tell ya, this is funny shit. Make more!

quickcap

I love your vids, they have me laughing so hard. and its good to laugh for a change. Keep 'em coming...

christoph610

Hilarious.

raennil70

I LOVE YOUR WEBSITE!!!!!!!!!!!!! You totally need to make a myspace page... I know Corky the monkey has one, but you should make one that includes the hilarious things on your site!
Leah Hansen

This is so damn funny...you got it down good. Will you be my sponsor? please.

aakills

How can I get a Corky t-shirt?!!

Bob

Brilliant.

Ace27lot

Has the monkey suit gone back to the shop? More 12 step corky please !

joey7665

LuvDrunk Position Wanted: Cofounder/ Writer

Must be brilliant and retarded at the same time, have excellent taste in films and music, suffocating, repressed anger, cutting wit, an inherent mistrust of authority, loads of guilt, and an ability to write a few paragraphs once a month on anything. Hired applicant will be paid in Klonopin and or floor pot. Please send responses to admin@luvdrunk.org

LIST OF THINGS REMOVED FROM SITE AND AT WHO'S REQUEST

Andrea Pictures- Andrea ( we love you Andrea)

2DSS

Casey Pictures- Casey (we love you Casey)

B. Book To A Laugh Track- 2 guys who said they were representatives from a major twelve step program. One of them mentioned the word "attorneys".

Corky Goes To GSO- 2 guys who said they were representatives from a major twelve step program.

One of them mentioned the word "attorneys".

Gary and Lynzee Podcast- Johny LaRue

Tom S.- Podcast- Tom S.

Sarah Podcast- Gary Y.